I feel comforted…

February 2023!

Valentines didn’t suck this year. I didn’t feel too much heart ache or grief. I felt stable and loving inside my body. No much desperate clinging attachment to any thing or one.

I have increased my movement. Not regularly or scheduled. But consistently more.

Yoga, some small weights, exploring ranges of motion, walking at the track, spin bike, dancing…..

I’ve also kept busy with housework. Even without my adhd meds for the last few weeks I have been able to maintain pretty decent housework behaviors. I can see my problem areas slipping (laundry, kitchen,on time paperwork/payments/appointments, phonecalls) but overall its been good.

This “not perfect but doing alright” is also a reflection of the foods I’ve been choosing to eat. Its been ebbing and flowing but mostly flowing towards eating at least 3 times a day, choosing healthy delicious foods. Allowing myself to eat the last of things and to just buy more if we need it— instead of leaving the fresh produce for the kids. Which is some weird maternal habit I picked up over the years. Fed Is Best I mutter to myself. I celebrate the wins like bringing food to work and using it strategically to be able drive home without grabbing any lil snackies. Twenty minutes after a long day at work, with a rumbling belly, is a long ways to drive past yummy places to grab food! So HOORAY me for the banana that held me over until I could eat food at home the other day. And HOORAY for choosing to move my body and play with some 5lb weights. HOORAY for hopping on the spin bike when I really just wanna scroll so I do it while biking. HOORAY for my ninja foodie that has made cooking a little bit easier and more novel which has equated to SO MANY home cooked meals over the last month and a bit! HOORAY

I guess I could also explain why I’m taking time to celebrate such smol wins with my food.

I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid. Vegetables, most fruit and almost everything was GROSS. Gross like gagging, gross like the only reason I’m able to swallow is to chug milk and the threat of punishment. Its so gross I’m crying. It’s so gross the mere thought of putting the piece of bean, beet, onion, brussel sprout, plum, nectarine, salad in my mouth is too much. I will explore every single restaurants offering of fish and chips or nuggets a fries as a kid. I will eat “healthy/good” foods only under force. At 19 I recall spending almost a whole year without really eating a single fruit or vegetable (HAH! Proof I WON’T die). At 20 I started exploring foods… a little bit.

Then I got pregnant at 21 and decided I needed to up my game. I got a book that explained each fruit or veggies vitamin and mineral content, the parts of the body that it is good for, the best way to eat it etc etc. I had to convince myself. I started with broccoli because it was mild flavored and had the most bang for my buck in terms of nutrients. I steamed it with butter and garlic. I slowly expanded my pallet and my understanding of food and nutrition.

I spent a small amount of time absolutely obsessed with organic food. To the point I would rather NOT eat a fruit or veggie because it was non-organic…. instead of just eating the produce and allowing my body to have the nutrients while my brain screams about how THERE ARE NO NUTRIENTS WE’VE DEPLETED THE SOIL AND MONSANTO IS TRYING TO KEEP UP SICK.

The food talk in my head is scary. It can find reasons for any food to be “bad” or “not good enough” and then when I get too hungry it defaults to junk foods for a quick dopamine hit because “we HAVE to eat”. My brain is a trickster if left unattended and Facebook was a terrible place to spend formative adults years.

At 36 I can proudly say I eat almost anything. I eat fruits and veggies DAILY. Like a goddamn rock star.

So if you’ve read all of that and thought “hmmmm that kind of sounds like an eating disorder…”.

Same. But who knows. All I know is that I’ve built a relationship and trust with myself about food. If I suddenly stop liking veggies in the middle of dinner, its ok, I don’t have to finish them. It’s ok if its irrational. It’s ok to choose to feel good and eat mushrooms next time I feel like it, even if they make me squirmy right now.

So simple food choice wins that keep me feeling in control in a loving and kind way with my body are the biggest WINS!

Up next is addressing my body pain.

I’ve been moving, stretching and strengthening areas more often but still not in a structured way. Which is what I am aiming to do.

I have not made any appointments.

I have been winning in the sleep department though. I have a healthy 10/11pm-7:30am sleep pattern with elimination upon waking (Qigong clock suggest elimination between 7-8am to be ideal). I have natural sleepy feelings at the end of the day. I feel energy surplus some days that I use to tackle more things. It is wonderful. I have always known sleep is important… but lately with my compassionate commitment to follow my own advice and take care of myself, I have gained such perspective of what loving myself means. The new soothing inner voice who gently encourages me to do what I need for my body and mind is a welcome relief from the harsh inner critic.

Overall I feel happy and positive about my consistent self reflection, soothing inner self talk ,choices with food and movement as well as my body overall.

Stay tuned!

Samantha